Showing results by narrator "Patrick Lawlor" in Comedy & Humour

Three years have passed since the Jamaicans caused the apocalypse, and things in post-Armageddon Chicago have settled into a new kind of normal. Unfortunately, that "normal" includes collapsing skyscrapers, bands of bloodthirsty maniacs, and a dwindling cache of survival supplies. After watching his family, friends, and most of the non-sadistic elements of society crumble around him, Patrick decides it's time to cross one last item off his bucket list. He's going to Disney World.

For those who have a disdain for birds or bird lovers with a sense of humor, this snarky handbook is equal parts profane, funny, and—let's face it—true. Featuring common North American birds, such as the White-Breasted Butt Nugget and the Goddamned Canada Goose (or White-Breasted Nuthatch and Canada Goose for the layperson), Matt Kracht identifies all the idiots in your backyard and details exactly why they suck. With The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America, you won't need to wonder what all that racket is anymore!

Guess what: Bees are incredible. Extreme bee enthusiast and bestselling author Matt Kracht is here to set the record straight with this helpful guidebook to all things bees.

Messiah traces the collapse of Christianity and the rise of the next great religion of Western civilization: Cavism. Founded by undertaker John Cave, Cavism holds that it is a holy thing to die. Packaged by a marketing genius, the new religion conquers the world more quickly than any prior memeplex, but pockets of resistance remain. Eugene Luther, formerly an apostle of Cavism, now a hunted apostate, writes his memoirs as a last gesture of freedom while the noose of a totalitarian religious state tightens around him.

This compilation of The Darwin Awards books I, II and III commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it, showing us just how uncommon common sense can be! Meet the absentminded terrorist who opens a mail bomb returned to him for insufficient postage. Marvel at the thief who steals electrical wires before shutting off the current. Gape at the would-be pilot who flies his lawn chair suspended from helium balloons into air-traffic lanes.

We can all agree—birds are terrible. They're stupid and won't shut up. Featuring fifty of the absolute worst birds to fly the earth, Kracht identifies each of their most terrible qualities, details exactly why they suck, and shows you why. Including all-new, all-worst fowl, such as: the absolute waste of feathers Cruddy Turdstone (Ruddy Turnstone), the utter a-hole Blank Staring-Eyes Flycrapper (Black Paradise Flycatcher), the outright loser Dowdy Woodfucker (Downy Woodpecker), and many more!

Following in the tracks of the first uproarious and beloved bird book in the series, this hilarious sequel ventures beyond to identify the stupidest birds around the world. Featuring birds from North and South America, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Oceania, author Matt Kracht identifies the dumb birds that manage to live all over the freaking place with snarky yet accurate names. Offering a balance of fact and wit, this uproarious profanity-laden handbook will appeal to hardcore birders and casual bird lovers (and haters) alike.

The sixth installment of "The Darwin Awards" features all-new stories of the human race's lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, and is the latest addition to this successful brand. Aside from the bestselling book and audiobook collection that has sold over 1.5 million copies, The Darwin Awards brand includes a website that gets over one million hits per month and a movie starring Winona Ryder and Joseph Fiennes, T-shirts, greeting cards and much more.

Mistakes so big they seem like fodder for The Onion—but they really happened! From memorable disasters such as New Coke, the XFL, and Tiger Woods’ marriage to less-remembered failures such as Yugo, Cop Rock, and Microsoft’s BOB, Worst Ideas Ever revisits history’s biggest blunders. Whether it’s a pop culture failure the likes of Dennis Miller’s disastrous run on Monday Night Football, a political one such as John Edwards’ odd decision to run for president while cheating on his cancer-stricken wife, or a technological misstep such as Apple’s Newton OS, Worst Ideas Ever uncovers the ridiculous stories behind mistakes so huge, you’ll have to constantly remind yourself that they actually happened. Moving from Mariah Carey’s “performance” in Glitter to the Minnesota Vikings decision to trade away their future for an aging Herschel Walker, Worst Ideas Ever offers the real stories behind some of the dumbest things ever done. Whether it was ego (Michael Jordan leaving basketball for baseball), greed (nobody questioning their impossibly high returns when investing with Bernie Madoff) or simple stupidity (Jay Leno moving to 10 p.m.), Worst Ideas Ever brings it all back in hilarious detail.

Who almost turned down his iconic role on The Sopranos because he could not sing? Did Katharine Hepburn really build the Uris building? How did a simple handshake with President Kennedy almost end in disaster? In his debut memoir, Too Funny for Words, Jerry Adler reveals all for the first time! In his career as a theater director, producer, and actor that has spanned over seventy years, Adler has certainly had his fair share of laughs, and is ready to take listeners on a reminiscent journey of Hollywood tales past.

Joe Keen and Ana Urbanek have been a couple for a long time, with all the requisite lulls and temptations, yet they remain unmarried and without children or a mortgage, as their Midwestern values (and parents) seem to require. Now on the cusp of 40, they are both working jobs that they're not even sure they believe in anymore, but with significantly varying returns. Ana is successful; Joe is floundering; both are in limbo, caught somewhere between mainstream and alternative culture, sincerity and irony, achievement and arrested development.

One of New York’s finest saves brilliant and debonair (but drug-addicted) Daniel Topler from his suicide attempt on the George Washington Bridge. In court, the judge entrusts the young man to the care of Dr. Jacob Bernstein, an elderly psychiatrist at an upscale rehab clinic. The doctor issues these commands: Obey the no-drugs rules and join the geriatric temple men’s group he leads - or face incarceration. Dan has no choice but to comply. Dan’s prep school friends initially lure him back to the drugs, booze, and women. But all that changes when he meets Bernstein’s daughter, Laura....

In 1977, Ickey Jerusalem, San Francisco’s golden-boy poet laureate (based on Blake), is found dead in a locked, first-class toilet on an arriving red-eye flight. Ded Smith, a desperately unhappy, intelligent philistine with a highly developed philosophy to match, is called in to investigate the poet’s death. Thus begins a series of hilarious encounters with the members of Jerusalem’s coterie (updated amalgams of characters from Blake’s work).

Andy Destra is a mostly honest cop in the most notoriously corrupt and crime-ridden city in America: Auction City. After discovering explosive information that reveals corruption within the highest levels of the police department, Andy is kicked off the force, framed, and disgraced, left to wage a lonely one-man crusade against conspiracies he can't prove.

Young Max Gross truly was hapless in a big city. He was seemingly without luck or hope. He had bedbugs, a bad break-up, and an audit by the IRS that threatened to break his soul. But he had heart (as well as two nagging parents). When Gross saw the smash comedy Knocked Up, he realized his day might have arrived. All these years of being a world-class schlub would finally pay off. Thinking quickly, Gross wrote an article about the phenomenon and soon found true love.

The Weekly World News team uncovers the definitive and faux-tastic story of Bat Boy, from his hardscrabble origins in the caves of West Virginia to his global influence in the 21st century. Going Mutant reveals how Bat Boy has heeded a call to service that has embarrassed less forthcoming mutants.